Movie Review: Max Steel – Some Teenage Wet Dream

With all the rain, we let Dina and R decide what to do as it was their last day visiting. They decided on a movie. Dina picked Max Steel. How do I feel about that movie?

I knew I was in trouble when I saw Mattel was involved with the production in the opening credits. How do I describe it? Power Rangers on steroids? Soft gay porn for straight, vanilla, middle-aged women? A Barbie’s world superhero movie? I am sure that early in production, a group of people (they can’t be called writers!) were in the room and asked themselves: “What does this movie need?” And another person answered, “Max should rip off his shirt and stand for a few seconds before sitting down to use his computer. Because doesn’t every teenager do that to get ready to do a Google search?” (Shouldn’t it have been his pants as he reached for a tube sock and Vaseline?)

And in the scene, in that moment just before he sits down, it’s as if he himself were questioning his acting career (or existence) before resuming his intelligence of Barbie’s faithful companion, Ken.

I’m sure someone patted themselves on the back when they struck upon the idea of this shot:

[Max dramatically types, “what am i????????” The final question mark coming only after a long pause, striking the hearts of every member of the audience. All five of them.]

Clearly this movie needs to be nominated for a few awards. Catwoman might not have won the Razzies if this movie had come out the same year. Sorry, Halle Berry, you have met your match.

The kid shoots out of his hands what looked like feminine spunk with fluorescent blue semen highlights. Every time it happened, I pictured how it was written in the script:

Max: Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!

[As Max continues screaming, another close up of vagina hands. This time the semen forms hexagons instead of splattering on the camera lens.]

The writing was on par with the first X-Men movie. I arched an eyebrow when Max says (trying to sound threatening but failing): “When I have too much energy, I explode.” Uh huh. I’m sure you do, kid. Sure you do.