How quickly feelings can change! It is funny to me to see my post on jealousy now. I had started it a few weeks ago but have had so much to do these last few weeks that I didn’t get around to posting it until much later, and the same with this post…
Things have ended with C. Is it temporary? Is it permanent? I do not have the answers this time. What I do know is that any feelings for him have been replaced with pity. I feel sorry for him.
He won’t talk about feelings, any kind of feelings, and keeps me in the dark. We’ve had moments where I feel he is drawing me in, and then when he seems to realize what he’s doing, I am cast back out again. It has been very confusing. He will feel comfortable around me and let slip something personal, but once he realizes how deeply personal it is, he clams up.
We had a real nice time together, chilling and listening to music at his place on Tuesday. I haven’t had that pleasure in a long time, not since a college roommate and I would play vinyl records together and chill.
But on the same day, we had our falling out. Our humor slipped past each other, and there may have been hurt feelings both ways. Maybe my joke was too much; maybe a double entendre with a 42 year old is a bit much and hurt too deeply. It’s possible that he’s never been in a relationship before, and if he has, he never let slip any details or mentions of them. So a joke about lack of sex may have hit home for a 42 year old virgin, at least that’s the only explanation I can fathom.
Or he just became upset at me for unearthing feelings, and he doesn’t know how to handle feelings. Or he doesn’t even know his own feelings and how struggles to understand them himself.
I guess there are many possibilities.
I asked him to be direct to me and tell me if he was upset or angry with me. At least then I could apologize, but he just became silent and refused to answer. I tried to make light of the joke with a fitting set of gifts that had been in our conversation.
When he saw me for an event we had previously planned to go to together, he returned the gifts. I felt an anger, a deep-rooted, buried anger in him. And it hurt my feelings to return a gift. If he had dropped it off at Goodwill, I would have been none the wiser. Maybe I know too much about Vikings and gift-giving, but to refuse a gift, to give it back, is practically a declaration of war and hostile intentions.
I spent a week writing an email to him. I am here for him if he needs a friend. If he doesn’t, then he can continue as he was before I met him and go back to his life as if we had never met. It is terribly sad though. As they say in the sagas, “there are few words between us now.”
He responded to the first paragraph of my email and said he was still digesting the rest, that I read too much into things. I have heard nothing else, and it’s almost been a week.
I really did like him. I had fun with him. But I guess that’s how it goes sometimes.