I recently felt something I haven’t felt in a long time, and it hurt: jealousy.

As I tried to ignore it, the more aware of it I became and the sharper the pain I felt. The details of it came into focus, and as much as I tried to turn away, it only made the green-eyed monster sink its claws in deeper. The pain, still throbbing, nested there deeply.

I am normally confident and rarely fall victim to insecurity–but when I do, it’s when the deepest heartfelt feelings are involved. I love and yet so often it has been unrequited: feeling unwanted, unloved, unworthy. How that monster, once unleashed, can wreck havoc on one’s emotional stability–a green dragon that burns with rage, wanting to burn everything down. Burn, burn, burn.

To see what’s wanted and know that it is not me, to realize the depth of my feelings and to realize it may mean nothing, as easily forgotten as words said in the wind–carried away, off to shore and over the sea, drowning in the roar of the ocean, the waves of everyday happenings in this world.

I wonder if I have been too cautious and good. I am open-minded but averse to taking risks. I will open my heart and share my feelings; I will pursue men, defying any normal convention of men should do the hunting and follow in pursuit.

Maybe I have played things too straight. Will someone love me as I am, or must I change?

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